Thursday, July 21, 2005

matinee time, suckers

Little obnoxious superjew over here has gotten lazy with the blogs, the updates, the goings-on about the town, so here's my valiant attempt to redeem myself, like God redeemed the Jewish people out of Egypt a long, long time ago, in a land far, far away. The land: Egypt. The time: I honestly don't remember.

Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka? Mr. Tim Burton, I commend you on taking up the challenge to replace Gene Wilder, but you should've known you're playing with fire-sweet, chocolate covered fire-and guess what? It burned the shit out of you. Willy Wonka is a creepy, discomforting, Michael Jackson lookalike, and even includes the parallel dream to be a "chocolatier/pop star/child molester" father<--> son conflict. The acting was bad-Depp failing below everyone else-the story was crap, but worst of all, the film contains perhaps, and I'm being generous here, 3 minutes when you feel all warm and gooey inside, when there's something good going on between the characters, and your 7.50 was worth it. But that's about it.

Vince Vaughn rules. Wedding Crashers is funny. My parents disagree. They were pulling out of our driveway as soon as J and I drove up. J(eremy):the old roommate during senior year, good guy, the one who bought me Schindler's List for my birthday. Matinees rock. You're basically alone, an entire theatre to yourself, save for the 4 older citizens, 2 single moms, and security guard who loiters around trying to bust kids who sneak in through the back. Why is movie popcorn so good, so bad a few hours later, and so damn expensive? Candy only comes in super-Deluxe-Ultra-Costco sizes, and that's why they charge you like 50 bucks for a Nestle Crunch. I sweardagod-taking a girl out on a movie sets you back at least, at least 40 bucks. Allow me to do the math.

9.00-Price of Ticket x 2 = 18
5.00-Popcorn = 5
4.00-Drinks = 4
1.75-Water Bottle (she wanted it) = 1.75
1.75-Second water bottle (you want to appear healthy)= 1.75
4.00-Gas (You got lost) = 4
2.00-Anti Gas Pills (Just in case you get lucky) = 2
5.00-Trojan Magnums (In case you get really lucky) 5

Around 42 Dollars! Jesus! I misunderestimated. How idiotic of me.

Hollywood is a great, fake place, and I'm beginning to like it. I need to find an apt right now. Don't forget to use plenty of sunscreen! Love you all. Hope your days are as good as they are supposed to be. And that's from the heart.


At 9:22 PM, Anonymous Dina said...

I once bought a blush that cost me $22. After crying to myself, I remembered that the money spent on things to make us look good + the time spent on applying those things and on just choosing outfits and such end up equaling what a guy might spend on a date.

At 12:36 AM, Blogger Aaron said...

so the system is fucked here, is what you're saying...i think we should all go on dates naked. it's cheaper, more comfortable, and your chances of scoring with yoru date increase exponentially.

At 12:29 PM, Anonymous dina said...

And it'll only cost about $5 for the guy.* Naked dating--I'm in!!!

*source: 5.00-Trojan Magnums (In case you get really lucky)

At 10:19 AM, Blogger tzipi said...

i liked charlie and the chocolate factory. it was creepy and supposed to be creepy, i thought. i laughed the whole way through (except at the end, which was weird and not as good as the rest of the movie).


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