Monday, July 25, 2005

A Bris, The Orthodox Dating Circuit, and a Mohel

So I filled out the app for the rental co. and expecting to hear back from them soon. the place is-why am i tell you this- 12x12, backyard, 2 bathrooms, 4 bedrooms, huge garage-that's where the jacuzzi is going-and an enormous dining room in 70s decor. the tile is hideous and i love it. everything is big, big, big-like other things-cept for the rent, which is 600 per person...rental gods please don't screw me over this time...i'll sacrfice myself or a small child or something.

went to fersht's cousin's bris milah. something about a circumcision that always intrigues me. its so primitive, so savage almost, and so healthy at the same time. but it's still something id expect to originate amongst the aborigines, those aussie guys who wear loincloths, with their huge testicles flapping about their inner thighs...makes me shudder...

i've been to 4 of these, and never had i had such great seats! right next to the action! we stared right into the sandak's eyes, he looked terrified. and oy, so much blood! the rabbi was a showman, not only a guy who "cuts dicks all day," as my friend put it. he told people to get out of his way, and rightly so-he's been slashing through foreskin for over 20 years. and i'm proof. yep, he cut me up 22 years ago, the bastard. i still hate him.

the LA dating scene sucks, so i hear. and i hear from my cousins who are still shopping around at age 28 and 30. LA is a great place to meet someone if youre really connected, i.e. religious; the vastness of the city isolates and disillusions everyone else. unless, you play it hollywood and know a friend of a cousin of a surgeon who works in beverly hills and wants to have jewish children. then you're in good shape, chief.

It's ridiculous though. the LA circuit is a scene about being seen, dressing up elegantly so your mother's friends can pinch your cheeks-if you let em get that close-ask what your plans and whether you have a girlfriend, then the proceeding question: Why Aaron? How can you not be with anyone right now? Why? because I know every damn Jewish girl in this city that you do, and i'm not interested, that's why.

Weddings, bar-mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs, kosher restaurants, circumcisions---it's all just a runway show before you take that final, murderous step down the real runway, under the white chupah with all your friends parents standing like salivating businesspeople about to watch the superbowl commercials, (because the game sucks- it's all about the commercials)

im making the move to santa barbara this weekend. better luck there? there the situation is jsut as bad...there are less Jews there, which means everyone knows everyone, so youre bound to be sleeping with your friend's friend's ex-girlfriend. or his current one. who knows. i'm gonna that mohel, leibowitz...maybe HE'S got some good tips.

4 Comments:

At 2:36 PM, Anonymous Hannah said...

Ha! I just went to a circumcision as well...although it was my first and incredibly horrific. My poor baby cousin Ben...My mother being the incredibly reform jew she is...tried to shake the Mohel's hand upon meeting him. That was a laugh :)

 
At 7:49 PM, Anonymous Dina said...

Someone recently told me that my zeide was his mohel...on a first date! (And obviously last.)

 
At 1:05 AM, Blogger Aaron said...

weirdest pick up line ever

 
At 3:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't circumcise my Jewish son. If interested google Bris Shalom for a peaceful, non cutting alternative.

I just couldn't reconcile this with my understanding of Judaism

 

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