confession

My brother Edahn is smart, caring, a great drummer, and very aware. He thinks we're always in a constant state of introversion and extroversion, and lately I'm swinging relentlessly between both. It's quite nice, actually, to spend time with friends, work, people, then step back and sink into myself for a few hours. Because time is quite literally rushing past me at light speed, and sometimes, only sometimes, I feel as if I've got very little to show for it. On some ways, I feel that I'm a different person than I was 2 months ago, who has gone through so much, with work/life/choices/communication/music/poetry/cooking/roomates, and that those all stack up pretty high, yet some sort of impending doom grabs me when I glance at that tiny calender icon at the bottom right of my Italian version Toshiba laptop.

October 10th. Damn you September, when did you change? Undoubtedly, the High Holiday clutter is contributing to my anxious feelings that I'm not accomplished everything I should, or that I'm putting off planning for this year, and the next and the next, and marriage, and babies, and potential wives (who, without warning, have already started sneakily humdrumming through various channels, read: mom, cell phone, email, friends of friends--suddenly I'm at that age) and perhaps the inspring brilliance of Yom Kippur will motivate me to get down to business, so to speak. I'm actually looking forward to the Day of Judgement, the [potential juice] fast, and am fidgeting for the oppurtunity to just sit and meditate, with a hollow stomach and hypoglycemic eyes focused on nothing but my life and where it will take me and where I will take it.

October 10th I'm starting to really despise you. Granted, I am busy, and I have accomplished much, but with a job that teeters on busy and slow, with most of the organization content to remain unmotivated, my sense of meaning is quickly diluting and leaving me searching once again. True, our purpose changes daily, but I am convinced that something is missing. I don't know what it is--a serious relationship, an occupation in the tyrannical, efficient workforce, or more lucidity for my personal wishes while I'm alive.

My favorite story from the Torah involves Esau and Jacob, and their first meeting after Jacob stole the birthright. Good stuff m'man. The encounter runs along these lines:

"Sup fool."
"Hey J."
"What up?"
"Nothing. I have a lot. You?"
"Just kicking ass since I took the birthright. Oh, and I have everything."

It's a small difference: much and everything. It's anti-materialism at it's Jewish best, or it's Buddhist best? It's a have what you want /// want what you have attitude, and it's what I live towards. And perhaps I'm a bit like Esav, wanting more and not seeing the good I'm doing. Maybe I'm dishonest. Maybe. I'm happy with what I have, but still looking for more.

Or maybe I'm still stuck with Peter Pan Syndrome, and continue to sabotage myself subconciously, because I don't want to grow up. (Though I do want kids) I looked at the GMAT Math section today and almost threw up. i fucking hate mathematics. I'm terrible at it. It's principles are organization, numbers, fitting things together, and order, and I'm just like, LET'S BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOWN! Art, music, writing, kids...Everything I'm passionate about is against math.

It's so simple, is it not?