Tuesday, August 30, 2005


so lousiana and mississipi got hit with the biggest water balloon ever. it's not funny. it never was.

watching the tv, for what little time i do, reminds me of sept 11th in a cinematic way, like this whole thing is just one awesome disaster movie where the good guys never win. and maybe its like that, this war in iraq that our idiot president is waging--a Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid fight till the finish, because in the end, the good guy is supposed to win. the good guy always wins.

Been doing quite a bit of nonstop thinking, brain jogging about purpose, life, actions. Hopefully this won't sound too metaphysical or out there, but I've come to realize that the things we care most passionately about are really things we can't live without, or can't live without doing. And perhaps anger is that truly motivating force that pushes us to act the way we are, and do the things we do, to do good or in some cases, to do evil. This is sounding very Star-Wars is it not? True, I think most people are good, thanks Anne Frank, but what's really pushing people to do good? A kind heart? What's stronger? The kind heart or the angry soul that turns even more upset when injustice goes on this world?

Take a friend of mine: Let's call her Shauna. Works with the homeless...Noble, right? But what if we dig deeper down the surface, to find out why she's really getting up early on saturdays and making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches: Is it because it makes her feel good, and it's the right thing to do? Or is there a stronger, more intense undercurrent of anger inside her, that says : IT IS FUCKED UP THE WAY THE STATE DEALS WITH THE HOMELESS ? People who go into the law purely for the money are gonna wind up depressed, confused, and without purpose. Careers should go beyond materialistic desire, personal gain, or pleasure, whatever the hell that is. It has to be a calling, an unrelenting force that grabs hold of you, shakes you the fuck up and doesn't let you go, because it shouldn't, because you didn't choose to become an actress, or a doctor, or a paramedic- no, the theatre chose you, the hospital chose you, that ambulance has a seat reserved just for you.

And if all you wanna do is turn on that annoying siren to get people out of your way, then that's fine.

So what can't you live without?


At 12:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

such tough questions you pose, and the answers are constantly changing based on your place and situation in the world. i agree you always have to be working on/toward something you love, sometimes you have to do something you dont care for so you can just get by. so the real question is when do you finally say fuck that and throw yourself into doing that thing you love, even when theres a slim to nil chance youre going to succeed?



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