Need a shower

Seven plane flights (with a 2 hour delay in Newark-just another reason to hate the state of New Jersey), 5 mosquito bites, 2 rashes (won't tell you where), 10 train rides, dozens of bottles of red wine, and at least 40 gelatos later, I'm back in the United States.

We were made to sit idly for 2 hours on the plane in NJ, with Sandra Bullock from Miss Congeniality to keep us company. Then afterwards they showed the sequel. God Bless the iPod.
While waiting I composed a list of things to do to ensure you have a safe, exciting flight.

1) Be on the lookout for people trying to light their shoes on fire. Also, dark-skinned, casually dressed businessmen who pull out switchblades and box cutters must be stopped. Stop them.

2) Your chatty neighbor's voice still seping in through your decomposing earplugs? Throw up your dinner all over her, and her loser boyfriend. If you ate the kosher, hold it in as long as you can. If you fly Continental-which, you shouldn't-always buy kosher. Tonight, or Yesterday night, or last week, I can't remember, I ate apple strudel, peaches, fish, chicken, peas and carrots, potatoes, and Water! these jews...they think of everything...

3) Practice your Arabic drumming skills on your tray table if the forward passenger leans too far back. Jesus Christ: I have knees, people! They swell up when you compress them into my chair. Remember though, to lean back as far as possible. If the guy behind you gives you shit, just look him straight in the eye and say "Do you mind!? I haven't slept in 4 days!" Which, if you are like me, you haven't.

I feel like writing. A lot. I've been coming up with new story ideas every hour, on the half hour. I also just finished reading Charbon's The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay. It's well written. The Golem of Prague makes an appearance. They're Jewish and eat bacon. Goodnight. Call me if you want to get sushi.