Saturday, April 30, 2005


Things tend to work out when you're least expecting them to.

I am a sincere subscriber to the basic tenents of procrastination.

I like ending sentences with prepositions, just because it'll piss you off, from above and inside.

I work (and am going full-time next year) for a company called the Forest Foundation. We do not save trees or whales. In fact, we use so much paper for meetings we are actually hurting the environment, and I would probably punch a humpback in the face if I ever saw one, face to face.

A real man knows how to play the accordion but chooses not to.

Yesterday I had my first turkey and cheese sandwich. More of like a bite of one. I was not sober at the time. Do I have regrets? No, not all that much.

My hair is dry and thick like an African's. I want to shave it all off but I'd look like a shorn testicle. So, the JewFro remains.

It's possible the Jews were never even IN Egypt 3000 years ago. Historians have found no evidence to the contrary, no mention ANYWHERE in ANY documents. So why do we eat Matzah? Because we're stupid.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Strip me of these Jewish Chains

After watching the fantasic "Annie Hall" last night, I came to the conclusion that a
bulk of my writing and possibly parts of my own "superJewish" personality is inextricably linked to and rooted from 95 minutes of reel tape. I feel like I'm either unconsciously plagiarizing Woody Allen's genius work of unrelenting self-loathing at worst, or at best, and in all honesty, hopefully in all truth, I exist merely as a tiny chain in a vast, underground Jewish artistic legacy of guilt, moroseness, and kvetching.

What lightens me up is the fact we're different. If you haven't seen the film, here's the rundown: Jewish New Yorker comedian discusses his failure with women, in particular one Annie Hall (Diane Keaton) antagonizing others for Anti-Semitism, drugs, vanity, and a less than perfect libido. All while Allen never forgets to keep hating himself more than anything else.

That's where we differ. Yes, I have problems. We all do. Though my self-esteem and ego hasn't been that torn to pieces like Allen's character in the film, or his in real life. I'm a happy Jew. More than that, I'm a happy person. I think I'd like to meet me, if I wasn't me. There's a thought, and it's not rhetorical. If you weren't you, would you actually like to meet you?
I wonder what I'd find fault in. I criticize too much (though only with certain people), fall in love too fast (though learning how not too), think about price before pleasure (I'm talking about stuff, not whores. Though I think if I ever seriously considered getting farshnukes with a hooker, price would definitely affect my decision and my pick of the lot), and I procrastinate. But hey, penicillin was discovered because Salk decided to quit work early and get some beers. By mistake he left mold to culture back at the lab.

At least that's my version.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Passover : Me stay hungry

We had 53 people at our Seder on Saturday Night. Fifty three. Ten of which were under five years old and/or 3 feet tall. I can continue with the math equations a bit more if you'd like, but that's really not what I'm here for. Though I do miss math, and you can take that all the way to the bank. The big, world-controlling Jewish bank.

I hate Passover because there's nothing to eat. Nothing good, anyway. I'm always hungry, no matter how many pieces of Matzah I break up and spread cream cheese or tomato/basil hummus over. Here's what I ate today:

Matzah with Peanut Butter and Jelly -Not bad, if you can make the sandwich line up properly. Be generous with the Jelly. She is your friend. And during Pesach, you need a lot of friends. Friends you can eat.
Matzah with Sun-Dried Tomato -Kind of gross, but I think the spread has been in my refrigerator for a couple of months.
Brown Rice and Chicken -My mom made this and packed it up before I left. Yes, the SuperJew is slightly spoiled, but hey, if you had a mom that could cook like mine, your fridge would be stuffed with throw-away aluminum cartons of food. Eat me.
Matzah Pizza -The classic. The trick is wetting the Matzah before you add the shitty Kosher4Passover Marina Sauce. The liquid layer prevents it from drying up. Use at least 3 types of cheese.
Matzah with K4P Knockwurst -The sausage was a bit greasy, and left me craving for more.
After seeing David Sedaris (who was funny, but funny like a Dry Martini kind of way) I had more Brown Rice and Chicken, and some Matzah with Hummus, which so far has been the hit of the holiday.

If I don't make it till Sunday Night, call my dad. My mom's leaving for Israel and she'd freak out if she found out I was starving. She wouldn't know who to call and complain to.

Damn you unleavened bread! Damn you all!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005


So besides smoking enough weed to make you kill your landlord, other important events took place today. A look back at some of the most interesting.

1861 Robert E Lee resigns from Union army
1926 First check sent by radio facsimile transmission across the Atlantic
1945 Hitler commits suicide after U.S. troops occupy Munich.
1961 The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) gave approval for FM stereo broadcasting
1977 Woody Allen's film "Annie Hall" premiers
1990 Pete Rose pleads guilty to hiding $300,000 in income
Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold went on a shooting spree at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colo. 14 students (including the shooters) and 1 teacher were killed; 23 others were wounded.
1871 Ku Klux Act passed by Congress
1972 Carmen Electra was born

Sunday, April 17, 2005

It's official

My body just isn't what it used to be.

The Hillel Freshmen Retreat rocked. Rocked my body too. A full day of hiking, frisbee, swimming, and fifty or sixty worthy attempts at doing a handstand will exhaust you. My back, shoulders, calves, head, and ears hurt. I'm tired all the time. My brain is complaining.

But let's not let the kvetching stop there. Got three midterms tomorrow. I subscribe to the Forward and to the idea that my Global Studies, Journalism, and History professors meet up once a week after checking out GOLD to see what classes I'm taking, then jam all exams into one day. Fuckers. Couldn't you give the SuperJew just a lil' room to breathe?

Last night I had a dream I was an Israeli soldier running through the trenches of Ammunition Hill, in Jerusalem. So I have my carbine, got 5 comrades behind me, I'm running, and this Arab guy dressed up all in black, like some sort of ninja, pops out. With no time to think, I smash him with the butt of my rifle, and continue on. There's a machine gun raining hell up above on the other troops, so I throw a grenade, then under the cover of smoke, squeeze a few rounds and the gun is silent. Then, from what I can remember, I saw some dude standing in front of me with a bazooka. He never made it out alive. That's one for the books. Right?

Wednesday, April 13, 2005


Poet kicks poetry's ass, 3-0

What is a man?
He who knows how to play the accordion but chooses not to.

Saw this in a Quotes Book at the Ucen. I'm such a sucker for book sales. What draw me in most are cooking and recipe collections. The food looks so scrumptious on the covers, I just want to bite right into the page. But no, that would taste, bad. I saw one yesterday called "The Foods of Israel," and good Lord, I nearly shelled out 18.95 to learn how to make Morroccan Cigars and Falafel from scratch. Those are some skills you want to have in life. You want someone in a vest to say as part your eulogy:

"He couldn't hold a steady job, he beat his kids, but at least he made damn good Falafel Balls. We'll miss you. I'm talking to your Balls, by the way."

OH! I'm entering Corwin with my Short Script, "Missing Minverva." The one about the college kid who gets stupid after getting his wisdom teeth extracted. That's the beginning.

I'll be in the kitchen.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

wacko for jacko

The daily nexus is running a 5-part piece on michael jackson and his pedophilia case. i find it amusing, but I'd rather see them dig under the surface and do some real reporting. some suggestions:

1) Dress up like michael and make friends with a rabid fan. Follow him to his house, make vegetable omelettes together, practice moves from Thriller, and then do some coke while staring at a picture of the King of Pop.

2) (Pretend) You're a pedophile! Harass anti-MJ activists, begging them to tell you where there kids go to school. See what happens when people don't play nice.

3) Come to court dressed in a suit and follow Sneddon and Jackon into the courtoom. Say "objection" whenever anybody mentions the word Neverland. Bring a mallet for extra attention.

LOOK OUT for my articles in Artsweek this Thursday. I put in Der Untergang, this great film about Hitler's last days in Berlin, and a review of The Civilians's Gone Missing, which was, to say in not-so-nice-words, pure shit. Shallow drivel revolving around humans' obsession with things that tried to spice things up with Platonic philosophy and Atlantis. Read it in full. We'll do these New York mofos some true journalistic justice.

Jewish College Night in LA this Thursday. Who's comin' with me? Who's comin' with me? The plan is to come back with Natalie Portman. Jewish, cute, smart (come on, she's an actor), funny (at least with Zach Braff's script), and Jewish. Did I say Jewish twice? Goddamn, that's thrice now.

Oh my. I really hate the word poetry. It just looks and sound girlie, definitely too feminine. Poe-Etry. It sounds like a fruit, like the word Guava. I'm not trying to rhyme, I'm just trying to be smart. Poetry. Yeesh.

Poet. That works. You're with your friends, sippin' on some Dom, and one goes:

"Hey Mont Blanc (always wanted that name) what's keeping you busy these days?"
"Oh, you know, Henry. Just the steelworks business. And I'm considering working as a full-time poet."


"Why, hello there! I never envisioned a man like you eating caviar before Church! I'm good. I've been dabbling in some poetry as of late.

Don't you guys like version 1 more?
I'm putting it up to you.
Leave a comment. Poetry or Poet?

It's one or the other. There ain't no middle ground. No one's safe. Not even Jacko.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

saul bellow just died

We lost another one.
I'm sitting Shiva right now.
and all I'm thinking about is
More space for us.
Roth, Bellow, Malamud
Flee this world faster than their parents escaped Europe
One by one, they disappear like ancient rituals
But their pages spread faster than intermarriage.
Herzog has finally found his place.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Life...You son of a...

They say your tastebuds change every seven years. That depresses me, because it means that come four or five years, and I'm gonna hate Thai food. Jeremy and a bunch of kids from Cordoba Street got some Thai dishes downtown. It was nice, not too heavy. Although I kinda missed that exploding feeling you get after eating Red Vegetable Curry with coconut milk. That bloated sensation after creamy Alfredo Sauce (which is actually called sugo bianco "white sauce" in Italian, nothing to do with Alredo whatsoever) when you were younger. Now I hate that feeling. Maybe I'm getting old. This stomach just isn't what it used to be.

Life is kicking me in the tuchus. I'm taking four classes during my last quarter of college, my writing time has waned considerably this week due to illegal substances, work for the Forest Foundation has picked up, my tooth hurts, I need cavities filled, and I think my left front tire is leaking air. Recently I've had a bunch of interviews for Hillel campus jobs in Indiana and NY, but am gonna stick around in Santa Barbara for a bit longer, doing Public Relations and Grant Writing (yes!) for a non-profit group that has yet to clearly define itself or its mission. Right now it pays students to create programs to better the community, but I'm not entirely sure everyone knows what's going on. And I should be that someone who does, if I'm gonna be the company spokesman, right? Right???

We've been getting into some new music these days: Notwist, Elefant, Air, Olivia Tremor Control, Bloc Party, Laila Puna, The Walkmen. Indie rock, good indie rock, and most of the groups are kinda crazy, willing-to-experiment people. My favorite. When I write "We" I'm referring to the blessed roommate, Jeremy A. Jacocks. Whenever he comes out of the shower he just smells so good.

So here I remain, with that perpetual wish that I had three more Aarons to do my bidding, go to my meetings, read my Global Studies and Anti Semitism course Readers, and give me free time to play video games and write a fucking screenplay.

Oh! But I did get the short done, so that's good! It's about this guy who gets his Wisdom teeth extracted, and consequently, becomes stupid. I'm quite satisfied that I got to stretch out and write something more original, almost Charlie Kaufman like, dare I say. Plus, it's not based on a Jew, so that's something of an accomplishment. Though Jackie, the hipster tooth fairy, is half Jewish.

Had to sneak it in there somewhere :)

god bless.