hallow's eve

There were a dozen smurfs, painted in blue, singing LaLaLaLaLa-LaLaLa-LaLa alongside the Chasidic Rebbe and the Bar-Mitzvah bachur, a jellyfish, a shower, a 25 c kissing booth that catered only to women, 3 Mr. T's, whores, victoria's secret angels, rockstars, a floating table and chairs, and lion tamer and her beast on a chain, cop sluts on the beat, jack kerouac, creepy as fuck doctors offering free (imagine!) breast exams, a guy wearing only saran wrap, ace frehley, 4 napolean dynamites, ww2 battle of the bulge veterans, mormons, more whores, a feminist, tito jackson, antonio banderas, hugh hefner, a turn me on lightswitch dude, lisa and marge simpson, and me, a cereal killer.

pictures to follow. i love halloween. why do people leave isla vista during halloween? what, what bitch? more important stuff to see, more important people to do?

so what if i got a piercing ? I always had this dream of piercing my left eyebrow. This is the dream of the new Jew: driving spikes through our skin and placing metal strips and loops through the aperture. what is wrong with you people? See, the problem is it takes a bit of deviance to pull it off, a bit of deviance which i do not possess. Can you imagine, me, the superjew, rising star of the J community, with a piercing?

Nice piercing Small! Looks great!

Some possible scenarios:

(a) God, this hurts like a mother. I think that that tattoo schmuck of an artist liked watching me bleed. I cried the whole way through. Cost me an arm and an elbow, this stupid eyebrow ring. And apparently I can't sweat for 30 days lest I want an infection. Pathetic.
(b) It's coming off tomorrow.
(c) Shityea, you know I'm hardcore. Don't talk to me.

What seems most likely? (C)? Do guys with piercings immediately complain about how much they cost? As you can see, I'm remain equivocal on the issue. I need to go write. My roommate is cooking me Indian food. And yes, he is Indian.

this is light years

please don't hesitate
to give me
that feeling
of vulnerability
a killer countenance, a mouth to die for
your parents really got away with murder
and i stand innocent
frozen like white wine, amazed
at you, of you, in you
my heart kidnapped
sailing at speeds unseen
gliding, running, moving moving
pay attention! if you listen closely,
you can hear it
you can hear my heart
laughing
now she's laughing

Coming Back to Normal

It's late, im workin the iron & wine, I got the scented candle burning on my desk, I shut my lamp off, my hair is still wet from the shower, I won the Jewlicious photo contest, my face is on the internet [exciting, since i never win anything] and im getting a bunch of safran foer shit. maybe i can meet him and he can tell me why I have a severe tendency to start so many new projects and never complete them? i mean, the poetry is there, it's just the longer short stories i have trouble nailing. its disappointing, really. time time time, why did i do to you that keeps you running away from me?

im exhausted...today, simchat torah, was super tough, super fulfilling, super intense. It was one of those days where you're expecting things to occur in a certain, predisposed way, and it all just falls apart as the clock moves from 1 to 2 to 5 to 6:30 to 10. I took a walk today with my friend Tobin. I love getting closer with once-strangers--for me it's like a treasure hunt, and I'm discovering that enticing clue after clue, always searching, my eye on the gold. he's a sweetheart, plain and simple, and you know, these days, you can't say that about too many people with a straight face. im friends again with someone i kinda broke up with for a while, due to reasons i won't get into. she's noticeably happier, and part of me is making a desperate attempt to investigate why, the other half content to just let things be and accept things the way they are. its a delicate situation, where saying things might do better than good. ah, workwise, things were just hectic, busy, and sad in a way. ive become so attached to the people that work with me it really is a family, me the parent them the children, and im understanding now why my mom didn't have a problem with blood or injury in general, but couldn't stand seeing us bleed.

it troubles me that I don't have the band aids for some of them. :(

---im dancing tonight with the torah vodka shots in my left hand bouncing on the mud floor jews surrounding encamping happiness glow from the center of this sweaty circle cakes pink laffy taffy on tables with the god in me and you and you and me and and and he's just smiling, and thinking, always thinking---

i wanna know what's he's thinking

i wanna know what's he's thinking


i wanna know what's he's thinking

Dead or Alive!

That little button at the bottom of my blog that says SiteMeter--which oddly enough meters my site--tells me how people are accessing kosher confessions, and apparently, the most recurring google search which lands people to keepingkosher is--and you can check this yourself!--that post i wrote a long time ago, where I wrote the lyric "you spin me right round baby right round" over and over and over again. It was totally pointless, strange....a sort of diarrhea of the keyboard. You can blame it on the drugs, I can blame it on the 80s.

What is it that's causing the decade's resurgence? notice how resurgence kinds sounds like Iraqi insurgents? they're probably related, in some way. I'll throw money down on that. Maybe like 2 or 3 bucks. Million bucks. The zip ups, the tight jeans, the headbands, Bloc Party, Joy Division--it's like everything that we thought was bad is suddenly cool, and all the cool kids are playing the Napolean Dynamite soundtrack at their parties. Shit, fool. I grew up on Nirvana and Soundgarden and NoFx and baggy jeans and flannel and hawaiian shirts (just for a year) and Cactus Cooler [not this Jones soda crap, which to make matters even more confusing, tastes realy fucking good] and gigapets and AOL, not AIM, and chat rooms and Sim City Original version and then the later 2000. And Nintendo and Contra and Double Dribble and MeTroiD and the Three Amigos. Dude, there's no escape. I guess I'm a child of the 90s, and perhaps I'm regretting adaptation.

I'm gonna go download Oregon Trail and leave Independence without food. I'm buying 99 boxes of ammo to go fuck up some cattle and buffalo and then we'll see who wins. You spin me right round, baby. Right round.

so...tired...i...write...poems...

I am so tired. My eyes actually hurt. The girl has not called back yet. I miss home.

MITOSIS ATTEMPT #22

i am sin
wallowing behind thick framed eyeglasses, laptops, mileage
that curd my brain into pieces of exhaustion
i brrreak one by one, the cells of life
which fail to regenerate this tired man
from the boy he once was
in the cold, trapped in Scylla's suffocating grip with GROW UP tattoed on her forehead
as Charybdis sinisterly smiles through a mouth of gold teeth
i stand, barely, swaying on disintegrated knees and cartilage
nodding
praying
changing
living
then all over again.

mondays, beach dates, japanese parties, chlorophyll

First let me get dressed.

thanks. now, let's get down to business.

I had an amazing day, possibly the best, most fulfilling day of work in my life. How you ask? Well, my jewish readers (and lone Taiwanese one-yes, I know about you) I had FIVE meetings with my program directors, and each one went better than the previous. But first, a little explanation: I work as a sort of program director for a non-profit, and because all my workers are college students, I set meetings, or forest hours, or office hours, or whateveryouwanttocallthem hours every Monday and Thursday, for about 3 hours. The first was long, a good 40 minutes, but effective. were planning [and already booked] a sushi singles night event, replete with cheesy but now sleazy bar mitzvah games, like spin the bottle, naked twister, pass the marshmallow from lip to lip, and a mandatory CPR training course. the second meeting was with an all-business, bissel of work senior with a chronic case of absenteeism, but the A-bomb straightened everything out, got him out of my coffeeshop corner office in 25 minutes! The third also kicked ass, and I got her seriously motivated to working with cancer afflicted children. The fourth was that orgasmic climax all you ladies are desperately searching for--the one I'm looking to give--was under 12 minutes. I refused to answer a question regarding another person, since it wasn't relevant and terribly bad for business, and got people committed and energized.

Today I was like this huge ball of chlorophyll giving chloroplasts to everyone within reach. If you're not motivated about life, about career, about your job, that message transfers to those surrounding faster than the disappearance of my former housemates sex life. [Seriously, he's still looking for it, as am I, but I think I'm closer, since I believe he's 99% gay and bleaches his hair and wears white on white to work everyday. Love you, man!]

It's this wonderful state I'm in. Preposition #4! :) A friend mentioned that she is constantly planning out the next stages of her life, always thinking of the future. Why not try to apply that all the time, every day? What if we set goals, personal / professional that we intended to achieve? Lately I've been going to bed at night with work and people on my mind, cataloging the day and crudely itemizing what went right, what went wrong, what I could've done better, what I should keep doing. Whatever it is, it's the little things that count, that small text message to those you you love, a phone call, an email, a real, handwritten letter, and ice cream.

I went out on a few dates this past weekend. If you're sensing that the self-righteousness is just too much bear, then please, keep reading because you know you want to. I'll admit that it's odd how I can divulge a bunch of personal information to the world, but shit,QUESTO E IL MIO BLOG. What's even wierder is that most people don't know this much about me. :) All right! SO where to start?

One was an ice cream date: I think it went well, I walked off with both hands still attached to my arms, a tell tale sign that SHE had a decent time and didn't want to murder me, but beyond that, no sparks. I had no inclination whatsoever to play smooth operator, and I'm still not quite so sure why. Was it me? Was it her? Blame it on the averse, sedative effects of my anti poison ivy Cortisone shots? We played tic tac toe on the sand, compared signatures, [I stole her A]...There's a buddhist, and jewish thought that stresses the importance of intellectual connection and how the physical tarnishes our opinion of others. well, many not tarnishes, but definitely confused our genuine perspective of the other person. I mean, come on, sex feels good. Perhaps that was running through my mind--regardless, I spent the night contemplating celibacy, and whether for the time being, it might be a good thing.

"Fuck that," I told myself the next morning. because the night before at a japanese party, i met a great woman, a woman--she's 28--that I feel I made some sort of romantic connection with, which happens superfically but never like that. Our conversation was some sort of precursor to falling in love, though admittingly, that is light years away. Still though, it's nice to start something post college, with a girl who is post-college, and show some sort of potential. I called her to go out for sushi a few hours ago. Got no response. No worries though. I shouldn't be worried though, right? tell me I shouldn't be worried. Do I looked worried? Stop saying don't worry!" Oh. And the best part? She's half jewish.

And speaks Italian.

Have a great day. Try meditation at some point. It'll change your life. It's changing mine. And now, I am not in a cult. Well, but that's a whole different story...

update

update: i forced myself to hurl a lil bit. the hiccups have gone. i am happy.

did i just write hurl?

HURL HURL HURL.

Stay up. Be safe. Big day tomorrow. Shit. It's always a big day tomorrow.

soon.

that says everything.

i drank too much sake tonight. i have the hiccups. im in love too.

The housemate, Pav, rockin the cigar

This would be me, doin the same. And yes, we are gangsters. Kindly do not fuck with us.

the cousin and I, trying hats at Puma. Is this picture Jdate worthy?

don't eat!

For the next 25 hours, you should feel like an angel.

Because you are one.

Have a great day of "cleansing." keep thinking. and smile. and stay positive. and don't think about the non kosher pizza you're gonna eat as soon as the fast is over, because just thinking about food induces hunger.

how many people would i kill jsut to see God's book of life...One of these days, one of these days. For all those I've wrong, please forgive me, in your hearts and in and your minds. And trust, I'm doing the same.

I'll see you on the beach.

i need your help, help.

so im plagued by this weight of making a decision that i think will have serious, long-standing consequences. i hate the fact that were forced to plan for the future always, like the present is never good enough for us.

im juggling working in the following sectors for next year::

1. jewish community
2. business/non profit sector
3. getting a teaching credential
4. going for my masters in education
5. going for the masters in public administration and jewish studies
6. teaching, doing teach for america
7. graduate school in creative writing
8. journalism

And my brothers still think I should pursue writing, as if that's still an option. i spend more time writing on this blog than anything else. oh, and I still need to take the GRE, which if I'm assuming is anything like the SATs, is going to hurt me in ways i can't imagine. square roots and equations and factoring and "how many push pins will fit on a european sized dartboard?" and shaded concentric circles (the area of, of course)

any advice any of you people would give me would be greatly appreciated. i duly apologize for the lack of inspiring material and in its place, a coming of age rant from yours truly, but i need your help.

confession

My brother Edahn is smart, caring, a great drummer, and very aware. He thinks we're always in a constant state of introversion and extroversion, and lately I'm swinging relentlessly between both. It's quite nice, actually, to spend time with friends, work, people, then step back and sink into myself for a few hours. Because time is quite literally rushing past me at light speed, and sometimes, only sometimes, I feel as if I've got very little to show for it. On some ways, I feel that I'm a different person than I was 2 months ago, who has gone through so much, with work/life/choices/communication/music/poetry/cooking/roomates, and that those all stack up pretty high, yet some sort of impending doom grabs me when I glance at that tiny calender icon at the bottom right of my Italian version Toshiba laptop.

October 10th. Damn you September, when did you change? Undoubtedly, the High Holiday clutter is contributing to my anxious feelings that I'm not accomplished everything I should, or that I'm putting off planning for this year, and the next and the next, and marriage, and babies, and potential wives (who, without warning, have already started sneakily humdrumming through various channels, read: mom, cell phone, email, friends of friends--suddenly I'm at that age) and perhaps the inspring brilliance of Yom Kippur will motivate me to get down to business, so to speak. I'm actually looking forward to the Day of Judgement, the [potential juice] fast, and am fidgeting for the oppurtunity to just sit and meditate, with a hollow stomach and hypoglycemic eyes focused on nothing but my life and where it will take me and where I will take it.

October 10th I'm starting to really despise you. Granted, I am busy, and I have accomplished much, but with a job that teeters on busy and slow, with most of the organization content to remain unmotivated, my sense of meaning is quickly diluting and leaving me searching once again. True, our purpose changes daily, but I am convinced that something is missing. I don't know what it is--a serious relationship, an occupation in the tyrannical, efficient workforce, or more lucidity for my personal wishes while I'm alive.

My favorite story from the Torah involves Esau and Jacob, and their first meeting after Jacob stole the birthright. Good stuff m'man. The encounter runs along these lines:

"Sup fool."
"Hey J."
"What up?"
"Nothing. I have a lot. You?"
"Just kicking ass since I took the birthright. Oh, and I have everything."

It's a small difference: much and everything. It's anti-materialism at it's Jewish best, or it's Buddhist best? It's a have what you want /// want what you have attitude, and it's what I live towards. And perhaps I'm a bit like Esav, wanting more and not seeing the good I'm doing. Maybe I'm dishonest. Maybe. I'm happy with what I have, but still looking for more.

Or maybe I'm still stuck with Peter Pan Syndrome, and continue to sabotage myself subconciously, because I don't want to grow up. (Though I do want kids) I looked at the GMAT Math section today and almost threw up. i fucking hate mathematics. I'm terrible at it. It's principles are organization, numbers, fitting things together, and order, and I'm just like, LET'S BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOWN! Art, music, writing, kids...Everything I'm passionate about is against math.

It's so simple, is it not?

Breathe In, Breathe In

So much to blog, so little time...

So I'm done with the Dalai Lama. Not done as in, "I'm through with you, get the hell out of my house, and don't forget your sandals," but I've finished his book. One of them. And I've learned a lot.

Time is precious. We're all human. Life is suffering, and the goal of eradicating that suffering. Don't waste time thinking about the negative, and by looking at things from other perspectives, even problems can be opportunities to succeed. Sleep a lot. Be vegetarian. Find meaning.

Sounds a bit cultish? I don't know. Idon'tknow.

You know those people who are just, good people? That wasn't intended to sound elementary, but I've met a few people in my lifetime who are truly radiant, and radiate this sensation of happiness, goodness, kindness, positivity. They're the type you just want to be around, the kind everyone else wants to around, because their existence brings joy to others. Thinking about them makes you smile, or laugh.

I wanna be that person. And not for selfish reasons-not because I want to become "that guy, Aaron Small," the guy who makes or breaks the party, or to be liked by as many people as possible, but my goal is fairly altruistic. Can you imagine what the world would be like, if everyone had that quality, everyone just made everyone else happier just by living? I guess, on some scale of selfishness, yes, it would give me great joy and benefit to know I was having that effect on people, but I don't know I could actually measure that, or if I would want to. Just knowing that it's possible would be enough.

Hope you are doing great, life is treating you well, and you're treating your life well, and that happiness is spinning around you at titanic levels. And thanks for reading my blog. I love you.

Arrows, or Why my Phone Bill was so high last month

"Oh, I just love watermelon!" she shrieks
I laugh, falling
onto the bed, touch her knee
"and soap, and watches" she says with sweetness,
now I'm melted water, the heart exposed
to the deadly son of Venus, who sneaks nearby
as I watch her, paralyzed, already infected

----

twenty four hours thirty seven minutes eighteen seconds
I am alone
sitting in my apartment
alone
Did you ever notice how
even the window panes have company?
light bulbs always come in pairs of two?
the nightstand drawer, with it's partner underneath,
where I keep the envelope that your tongue licked shut
"it was so beautiful" you wrote on the inside.

-----

And now we talk across oceans
Your voice something tiny jammed into my unbitten neglected ear
I kiss you in photos, sniff sweaters you wore to the gym, rub pebbles of sand from beaches we made love on
I write poetry on yellowed parchment
cram into bottles like these
in hopes you might find them one day